First Grade

The little's first day of school was back in August. We attended a meet the teacher the week before, and she seemed really excited. But this was different. Even I felt the difference. A bigger school; less interaction with the teacher. Less information. We walked around the halls as soon as I was done with the forms that needed my signature, and everything felt different. 

The real surprise came when the first day actually arrived. She woke up early, jumped out of bed, and was already getting dressed before our second alarm (the real one) actually went off. She gushed about being able to see her friends, and how excited she was to get there. On the drive over she was bouncing in her seat, proudly holding her lunchbox, and singing along to Dove Cameron. That's where the smiles faded though. Parents are allowed to walk their kids to class, so I was prepared to stay for a little while, but as we entered the building we were instructed to head for the gym. Her smile started to falter, and her grip became tighter. As we sat in the gym, her smile disappeared as the minutes ticked by. A few tears began to run down her cheeks, but she sniffled and wiped them away. She asked me repeatedly if I could stay with her at school for her first day, and I kept telling her that I wished with everything that I could. But mommy has to work. And as we were finally allowed to walk into their home-room she was clinging to me, squeezing, and whispering that she wanted to go home.

As we said our hellos to the teacher, and I started to help her put her supplies in her desk the tears just started to pour. "Mom, can I please just go home? Mommy, please don't make me stay. I'll be a good girl, I promise! I'm not ready mommy. I'm not ready. Please take me back home," she begged. It took everything I had in me to not pick her up right then and there, and take her back with me. She cried so hard, and she held on so tight. The teacher, and a helper had to help me uncurl her fingers so I could walk away. And I cried on my way to work. I hated doing that. I hated leaving her when she felt so scared. But I knew it was for the best. I knew that after that first day she would be fine. 

That didn't keep me from feeling like complete, and total shit that day though. I remember when I was little I was bullied on the bus, and at school. My aunt had to force me, physically onto the bus every morning, and there were instances where I would try to make a break for it back off of it. That was met with spankings, and eventually an older cousin of mine had to physically hold me down. So her reaction brought up a lot of memories for me. I sat at my desk counting down the minutes until I would see her again. When the day finally ended for her, and I was there to pick her up she told me that her first day wasn't that bad. She still missed me, all day, but it wasn't that bad. So, I told her I would be there to pick her up as soon as her days were over so she would always have that to look forward to. It took about a week for the tears to stop in the mornings. And another week before she could walk the crosswalk into the building without me. 

But now? Now she smiles. She tells me that she can't wait for me to get her that afternoon, because she always misses me, but that she's ready for school. She gives me a kiss on the cheek and wishes me a good day, "I love you," she says. "I love you too," I respond. I can tell that she's ready to take on her day, and her little brown eyes just light up. When I've made sure that she's crossed along with the other kids I wait as she turns around, and waves before heading inside. And my heart stops for a beat. And that saying that goes something along the lines of: "Having kids is like watching your own heart walk around outside of your rib cage." really hits me. I've felt it before certainly, but lately it's been magnified. The reality that time is not stopping, and that she's only going to get more and more independent is starting to really intensify. And it's scary knowing that there is so much bad at out there that I can't protect her from forever. There are times when I wish I could just do away with every future heartbreak, disappointment, and obstacle. But that's not how it works. For now, I'm just soaking everything up. Letting these moments embed themselves into my heart. I try to savor it. Every damn day. So, I stay at that crosswalk until I see her open the doors, and walk inside. Then I take a deep breath, turn around, and I move.

Listen

Swimming Summer Away

 

As you all know motherhood, and parenting are a major part of who I am. And I don't mean it in the obvious: having a kid = being a mom. I know of several women that are absent moms, or sadly some that are just bored of having that responsibility. But me? For the longest time, "MOM" was the title that I defined myself by. Even though I know that's not all that I'm capable of being or doing, it's the most important job to me. And that little light of sunshine up there was the main inspiration for me to start this blog. It's named after her. So recently I've thought a lot about doing updates, or maybe a feature of how she's growing. I want to include milestones, current things she likes, and a few other tidbits. I spend a lot of time worrying about her privacy, so I don't want it to be too extensive. Just a glimpse. So, I've thought about doing a little interview with her and then posting her answers. I think that would be fun for her, and me. She's such a cool kid, and has taught me so much about unconditional love. I'd like to bring some of that out onto these "pages". I'm hoping to get that all figured out, and do about 3- 4 installments a year. My way of rounding things out on here. I use this blog a lot for my own personal things. My thoughts, feelings, and what I'm going through. I can imagine it can get kind of old to just hear about me. So, I want to figure out a way to incorporate my main reason for writing back into this space. Currently, it's just an idea. As we all know life can get busy, and once school starts things jump into overdrive for us. So, we'll see how it goes.

This summer didn't really go as planned. The little was not allowed to do a lot of physical activities at the beginning due to her hernia so that ruled out several camps. By the time she was given the green light to resume there were none open that she found interesting enough to sign up for. Now we're in the August, and it looks like there won't be much change. Or time. So, instead we've opted for pool time. We tried a lake in a nearby town, but it was horrible and disgusting. Then there's the issue of being a one income family, and everything deciding to breakdown all at once which has left me with very little to offer up for her. Thankfully our local pool only charges a dollar to get in, and she enjoys going. Her grandparents also bought a small pool to keep at their house for the times she wants to swim while over there as well. I can't say enough just how much my parents have helped out. Which is somewhat of a sore subject for me. But, I'm grateful. Really grateful. Next up on our calendar is back to school shopping which will take place next weekend; fingers crossed. And first day of classes start on the 23rd of this month. That's just in two weeks time, and I don't think either one of us is ready. But until that day gets here you'll find us at the pool. Swimming the last of summer away.