Stalled

I have no control. My situation goes back and forth, and from one day to the next things change. I'm not a fan of this. I'm not a fan of not knowing. Of not having a plan or an end goal. It's frustrating, and beyond defeating. But there is nothing I can do about it. I just...put one foot in front of the other to keep pushing myself forward.

My husband says that he's not in a good place. He says he is unsure of every little thing in his life. He's confused. He's not sure if he'll ever be ready. Sadly, my daughter and I suffer right along with him. I've been told so many different things over the past month that have left my head spinning: I'm wanted, but then I'm not. I'm too jealous, but then I don't pay enough attention. I'm missed, but then not missed enough. I have done too little too late, or too much too soon. I am not enough, but at the same time I'm too good for someone like him. I've been told that I should leave him alone, stay out of his business, and yet I am the one at fault for not repeatedly informing him of events that pertain to our daughter. He wants us back, but then he doesn't miss our life. It's back and forth. Back and forth.

My nights are no longer my own. Before I was comforted in knowing that at some point, whether it was 9 pm or 1 am, he would bring himself home to us. He's not anymore. That reality is like being kicked repeatedly in the stomach every time I step through our front door. And at night, I find that my mind races and my heart feels so heavy with the sadness. He's living in a different house with his brother now. They throw parties, and invite other women over. My gut tells me that something is bound to happen, if it hasn't already. Playing with fire like that is not good. But, that's what makes him happy. One morning as we drove by I saw a woman's car parked in their drive way. And I remember just feeling so heartbroken. So lost, confused, and just hurt. From the back seat, as she looked out the window at their house, our daughter quietly stated, "Mommy. Daddy's not coming back home, is he?" And just seeing the look on her face made my heart crack. Our new reality hit me again, full force. "No, baby, I don't think he is." After I dropped her off I saw the pictures plastered on social media of the four of them all hugging each other on their couch. Later that morning when I asked him about it, he told me that I needed to stay out of his life. To stop "stalking" him because he needed space. The woman that stayed over was his brother's girlfriend, he said. He also stated that they were all just friends, and he was entitled to those. I guess he's right. However, I don't think what he's doing is very respectful to me, or to our marriage. Because, we are still married. I have male friends, but I don't go out partying with them or hugging all over them. I have more respect for my husband then that. What he's doing. Who he's inviting into his home. That's just like pouring gasoline next to an open flame. We no longer take that route anymore. It was too much for me to handle. And our daughter no longer asks to go over to see him.

Prayer, my parents, and the few close friends who know what is going on have been really getting us through our days. Keeping busy, and finals approaching next week have been huge distractions. The hardest time for me is at night when Em is finally asleep, and I'm left alone with my thoughts. I constantly wonder what he's doing, and who he's doing it with. Is he missing us? Does he regret his choices? Will he ever find his way back to me? Would I even want him to now that he's taken things so far? Sometimes, I get angry. I tell myself that I should not be okay with being a "second choice". I should not be the backup that someone settles for. I refuse to be someone's afterthought. I deserve to have someone who wants me, through the good times and the bad ones. Someone who fights for me; for us. My daughter and I deserve to have someone in our lives that wants to spend time with us. To be a family. I deserve to be wanted. Then there are nights when I sob into the shirt he left behind because I miss him so much. I feel like I'm being crushed by the weight of all the pain his absence has left behind. It echos in everything. The empty walls that once held his musical instruments. The silent rooms that no longer hold his laughter, or the music he meticulously worked on every day. And the empty drawers I refuse to fill up because they were his. I curl up on the couch, shirt in hand, and I close my eyes while I cry. I sit there long into the morning hours, waiting, pretending that he'll walk through the door at any moment.

Too Much

The back and forth is too much.

The hurtful words are too much.

The false hope is too much. 

The disrespectful behavior is too much.

The lies are too much.

The lack of compassion is too much.

Everything inside of me hurts all at once.

 

Whiplash; An Update

I've been looking at the previous posts, and that hurt I felt is still very much present. Only it's ebbed a little. As soon as I was able to I started to see a counselor because I wasn't handling things very well emotionally that first week. I did as my husband had asked which was to give him space, and I struggled to get through half a day without crying my eyes out in the bathroom. I smiled for our daughter. I went through the motions. I took a few days off from work, and during one of those days my mother sat me down to say "If you need help, we'll get you help. Just say the word, and we'll find you someone to talk to. You can't keep this all inside." Before her words even fully sank in I scheduled my appointment. And I've been going ever since. 

I've had a great support system throughout all of this which I'm extremely grateful for. I've also learned a lot about myself, and I'm still working through things. So far, I've come to terms with some of the parts that I had a play in when it comes to why things went the way they did in my marriage. I know that there are still plenty of other reasons I have yet to uncover too. But baby steps, right? I've also really, and truly realized that it wasn't all my fault. Some parts were, but not all of it. When I would speak to people about what was going on they'd always tell me, "You know this isn't your fault, right?" I'd nod my head, agree, and just breathe out slowly. Inside was a different story though. I would replay everything, and try to figure out why someone I thought loved me could have so much hate towards me? Obviously, it was me right? There was something wrong with me. If he fell out of love it was because of something I had done, right? What had I done? What did I need to do to fix it? What had I done to deserve this?

As week three rolled around, I slowly realized that I would be okay. I really felt it with every part of me that whatever happened I would come out of it stronger for surviving it. Obviously it was not an ideal situation, and divorce is not something that I wanted. But after leaving my counseling sessions every week I felt like I was chipping away at this huge blackness surrounding my feelings, and invading my thoughts. I was coming home feeling like I was finally constructing a vague/fuzzy outline for how I'd handle what was to come. It was a start. So I continued with the space, and no contact about anything that did not pertain to our daughter. One Friday night I decided I need a distraction so I went to see a band play at a local bar because I had realized that it had been so so long since I had gone to hear a band that I enjoyed. My husband never wanted to go with me to see a band that I liked if they were in town so I just wouldn't go. And even though I was still hurting immensely on the inside I found myself smiling as I sat with one of my sisters and listened to the music. Afterwards, I thought to myself, "You're still here. The world hasn't crumbled. You'll be okay." the entire drive home. And for the first time since he told me about wanting out of our marriage I felt some of the pressure lifting off of my shoulders.Not a lot, but enough to give me s bit of hope.

What I hadn't expected was for my husband to apologize. What I hadn't expected was for him to tell me that the four weeks we've been apart have been miserable for him. That he's seeing now what all he took for granted, and how he was wrong to have blamed everything on me. And I really didn't expect him to tell me that he wanted to work on things in order to give our marriage another chance. But most of all, I didn't expect how hesitant I was to believe what he was saying. Just three weeks before I was being told that I was no longer wanted. And as I begged him to reconsider his decision he had told me "no". So, can you imagine the emotional whiplash that resulted from his words? The confusion, and the doubt. It all clouded my head, and sent me back into this fog I had worked so hard at trying to clear. And still today, I'm not sure how I feel or what to think about all of this.

We mutually agreed to remain separated while we each figure things out. Whether it takes two months, four months, or longer I don't know. We've agreed to take things one day at a time though, and we've agreed on one "date" night a week/weekend. I put that in quotations because those are the nights that we will sit down to talk about how we're feeling, and the direction we're headed. Just to assess where our minds, and feelings are at. This past weekend was our first "date night", and for the first time in what feels like a really long time we were able to talk like civilized people. The discussion never got heated, we each took turns expressing ourselves, and I felt like this was a pretty momentous thing for us. Not just as a couple, but as two individual people. I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy our time together that evening. It had been forever since we had last had a dinner together and not only talked about the hard stuff, but the daily stuff as well. It felt pretty new again, and I wasn't sure whether that's a good thing or not. I'm conflicted about what these actions really mean, and it's something that I'm currently working through with my counselor. It was nice though, and I hope that things continue to progress in a good/healthy direction.

This in no way means that we will reconcile. We're both aware that in the end this might not work out. There are certain things that I refuse to budge on because they should not be apart of our lives in any way. I made it clear that there were deal breakers, and he also expressed his as well. But so far this has allowed us to communicate, to actively listen to each other, and to be expressive of the things we miss or don't miss about how our marriage was before. We do still have a lot of love for each other, and that's not something that just goes away. Still, regardless of whether we work things out or agree to part ways we want to be amicable about it. I hope that things change, that we get better, stronger. You all know that was my hope from the very beginning. To overcome and be better people for it. But there's no guarantee that this will be the outcome. For now, we're trying. And that's really all I had asked for; to try.