What We've Been Up To

Things have been a  bit rough & a lot  busy around here lately. We've had some things broken into and stolen. Some things were valuable and others were more along the "sentimental value" line. After everything, it turns out not much can be done. We've issued a report but the chances of anything being found are slim to none. I feel pretty violated and a lot angry though. I know it's going to take some time before I can completely let go of this. But, we are safe and that's what matters.

My babysitter is leaving for a month to visit family in Mexico before school starts back up. Thankfully, my sister-in-law became available to take care of Emery when we need her to. That said, my husband was recently let go in a lay off so we are AGAIN back down to a one income family. I think that's the most stressful part about this whole ordeal. We are nowhere near financially stable and school is right around the corner. Without a second income, I might not be able to continue. We simply cannot afford the gas for my trips on one income. And I refuse to take anymore money from my parents. My stomach has been in knots since I found out about the layoff. I know that I always say that things happen in their own time and for their own reasons. But, I feel like everything always falls on my shoulders and sometimes I just can't hold it all together.  I just wish I could catch a break, you know? I guess I should be thankful though. I did have a month of extra money, and that in turn helped me alleviate some of the stress, even if just for a moment.

Emery, is doing really well. She's all about running, puzzles, and horses right now. The carnival is in town so this past weekend we were able to take her out for a night. She was so excited, and she rode every ride her height allowed her to at least twice. The entire time she was on the Ferris Wheel, she was standing up and looking over the bucket with this huge smile on her face. My little girl is pretty fearless. We've also finally taken down her toddler bed and set up a twin bed in her room. Something about a real mattress had her all kinds of excited. I on the other hand have been a complete baby about the situation. She hasn't had a chance to sleep in it through the night because I always wake up around 2 a.m. and bring her into our bed. I guess I'm just having a hard time letting go. I miss her snuggling up next to me, and I'm also terrified she's going to fall off the bed (it's a good ways down you know?). Alas, my husband is putting his foot down, and as of today I can't go bringing her into our room unless SHE wakes up and does it on her own. Or, if she falls off. I'm a complete mess over it, but I know it's something that I need to let happen. It's time.

On Sunday we had some family and friends down which was nice. Emery had some more cousins she was able to play with so she had a blast. And I was able to visit with everyone, relax, and enjoy some yummy food. With everything going on, I was so grateful for that time. One of my aunt's from Georgia was here and we were able to talk about some of the changes I've been wanting to make in my life. She gave me some great advice, and it was refreshing to hear someone else's perspective on my situation. I'm not even close to deciding anything, but it helped to be able to talk about things. Sometimes, I just need a sounding board, and my aunt was pleased to be just that for me.

So that's what's been going on. Things at work have picked up a lot too. I find myself pretty busy for the most part. We don't have much planned for the rest of the week, but I am excited to finally be getting the rest of my house cleaned out. I spent my Monday cleaning, clearing, and putting things into a storage shed. I was able to get rid of a lot of Emery's toys, and still have a few more I need to pack up. So I guess the rest of my week/end will consist of that. Sorry that I've been MIA a lot lately, but life kind of just happened. Our days have been filled with a lot lately, and sometimes when I sit down to type up a post I come up blank. But we're still here! And even though our situation isn't ideal I'm trying to be positive about it. So, until next time, hope you all have a LOVELY Wednesday!

Listen

Where'd My Baby Go?

Since my husband is working, and very rarely gets time off, Emery and I spend a lot of time together. But to a three year old, how exciting can running errands really be? So, every now and then I like to do something a little extra special for her. Whether it be an ice cream trip, visiting the local flea market, or walking around the park, I like to get some quality one-on-one time with her. I know this might sound horrible, but sometimes I get caught up in so many other things that I miss out on really hearing my daughter. I wish this weren't the case, but every day stress kind of kicks my ass sometimes.

So, last Sunday I took Emery to go watch Epic in 3D for a day date. When we have this time I make sure to silence my phone, play music she requests during the drive, and allow her to pick what we do/get depending what we end up doing. Since we were seeing a movie I held her so she could pay for our tickets, which she was so proud of. I allowed her to pick out snacks she wanted and the popcorn. They have this kid pack at our local theater and she was walking around with her own bucket telling anyone that would listen that she had “Yummy popcorn, hurray!” Once in the theater we found an empty row and she insisted on sitting in her own chair. During the movie it was so neat to see her reactions. She’d giggle, or frown. Sometimes she’d let out this loud, infectious, laugh and quickly cover her mouth. Some of the other adults enjoyed that. But before the end of the movie she found herself in my lap. Once the movie finished, she made her way out dancing and twirling. She kept telling me that the movie was “So, awesome, mom!”. 

Once it was time to go home, she wasn't too thrilled. In fact, she cried the first five minutes of our trip home telling me “I don’t want to go home, Mommy!” and "Go back to town! I want to go back!” When I told her that we had to go home, and I wasn't turning around she became quiet. At first I took this as acceptance. She had finally understood that she wasn't changing my mind. But then I asked her “Love, what do you want to listen to?” I received no answer. So, I repeated my question. And do you want to know what she said? She stared right out the window and said “Don’t talk Mom. I don’t talk to you. You made me mad.” She rode in silence halfway home and then fell asleep for the last half of it.

Now, I know that’s not ideal behavior. And I know it shouldn't be rewarded. It wasn't  But I couldn't help but smile, and laugh (silently) at her a little. She reminded me so much of a teenager! And she reminded me A LOT of myself in that moment. Growing up, when I didn't get my way or when I was upset, I’d just shut down. I didn't want to talk, or listen to music. I didn't want someone to try to make me feel better, because I knew it wouldn't help. I just needed my space. Emery’s usually pretty vocal about how she feels. What she does/doesn't like. But, I know that Emery can’t always articulate how she’s feeling. And sometimes her reactions are more along something her father would do. However, like I've said many times before, she’s a perfect mix of us both. And sometimes I just know how she’s feeling. So when she said that, I knew she was really upset. She didn't want comfort she just needed her space. So, I gave it to her.

Once she fell asleep, I remember just saying “Wow, you’re just like your mother.” It’s so true. But I also couldn't help but notice how grown up she’s becoming. Her legs are long, and she’s growing into her baby cheeks. The look she had on her face as she gazed out the window had me wishing I could read her mind. What was my little girl thinking about in those moments? She’s so vocal for her age, and sometimes her vocabulary seems pretty advanced. She’s becoming her own little person. No longer my tiny little bundle of baby breath, and tiny hands. It’s crazy to think about. Before long, the conversation above will include phrases like “You never let me do anything!” or “You’re ruining my life!” and trust me when I say I’m sooo not ready for that. But it’s coming. This little incident felt kind of like a preview. And I’m not going to lie, it left me feeling incredibly sad because I couldn't help but wonder where’d my baby go? :(