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Wordless Wednesday

I Just Don't Know

"You're too good for a man who's not sure about you." - Unknown

Last year, right at the end of August, I started to go out on dates. My daughter had insisted that it was time, and even selected the "selfies that you need to put on your profile". I felt totally out of my comfort zone, to say the least. And what I can say about my experience of dating in my 30's is that it is...daunting. Terrifying. Awkward and oh so tiring. Y'all, dating these days is so not what I remembered. Then again, my experience is very minimal. After a few months and a handful of dates, I ended up deleting the app. It just didn't feel like it was the right fit for me. So, I moved on in life.

I prayed about finding someone who wanted the same things I did. I asked for someone to come into my life that would be worthy of all the love I had to give. I craved a partnership that would add to my life. I wanted someone who could see all of my broken pieces and be okay with them. Who would love me, regardless of my baggage. I wanted someone who wanted to do life by my side. Because, even though I had been fine with being single after a year, I also felt very lonely. I wanted someone to laugh with. Someone who I could talk about my day with. Someone who cared. I wanted to love and be loved, again. 

Then, one day, someone unexpectedly entered into my life. And we dated. Things moved quickly, and I felt like I was finally getting to experience a real, healthy, relationship. I know that there's no such thing as perfect, but this guy was coming pretty damn close. A lot of wonderful promises and words of reassurance were constantly being said to me too. Things like, "Even during the bad, I'll be right here with you." or "YOU'RE the person I want to be with - YOU'RE my priority." We talked about getting married in the future and so I began the annulment process. We talked about moving in together at the end of the year and even about the possibility of having kids. I mean, we were so damn sure that we were ready to commit to being with each other. To choose each other, over and over. Even on the really shitty days. I felt like I had finally found someone who wanted all of the same things that I did. And y'all, I was happy. 

But as with all relationships, the honeymoon phase ends. Outside sources can cause strain. And even though we had gotten good at communicating, sometimes people don't want to open their eyes to the truth. Sometimes people are not ready for the changes and commitments that come with choosing to love someone else unconditionally. Making them a priority with no one being placed above them. And after our most recent disagreement, some things were said that gave me pause. Because now, the effort I was putting into our relationship was not being matched. Now, someone was unsure. Now, someone was giving me an ultimatum without even considering to see things from my point of view. Without willing to offer a compromise or be willing to set boundaries. And as I stood there, stunned at what I was hearing, I also felt like such an idiot for giving everything that I had to someone so quickly. How could I have been so damn naive? It was as if I had learned nothing from my marriage and how it ended. So, I stood there, feeling my heart breaking all over again.

I've decided to take a bit of a step back. We've decided to try and talk things out a bit more. Neither of us wants to throw in the towel, but I'm not really sure how to move forward either. Relationships take a lot of hard work, and they're not easy. There will be times when you're on the same page and times when you're in different fucking books. But the important part is being able to communicate, to be open to compromises, and to choose to keep loving your partner even when it's hard. But that's also a two-way street. So, I need to think things through and really examine my feelings because for so long I let my heart lead the way and I'm not sure I could go through a second devastating breakup. I also wanted to seek out advice from my family, and a close friend. I want to pray about it and also ask Mr. Watson for some insight. But y'all, I felt the exact moment that I put up a huge fucking wall. I felt it when I shut down. Then I started to question, "Why am I so unlovable? Why am I being put through so much heartbreak? Why can't I ever be enough for someone?" And then I cried. A LOT. 

I don't know what will happen. Maybe we'll make it through this? Maybe we won't? I would honestly love to find a compromise that we would both be okay with, and put in the work. But I can't be the only one willing to put forth the effort. This means I have to think carefully about what my next steps will be, and at this very moment, I have no idea what those are. I have no idea how to go back to how things were before or if we even can. To pick up where we left off as if nothing was ever said, and just be happy. I have no idea how to take certain things back. I don't know how to go from loving someone one day to just liking them the next. I don't know how to shut those feelings off. I don't know how to go from seeing a future with someone to, "Maybe, we'll see." I don't know where to go from here. I don't know how to feel. I don't know what to do. I just...don't know.