Today I wanted to talk a bit about my recent decision to quit consuming alcohol. Back in October, the weekend before my birthday to be exact, my husband and I got into a huge fight. It was ugly. That night I had had two small bottles of wine, a few shots of vodka, and a six pack all to myself. Then something was said, and it's like every little thing I had locked away was unleashed. I said whatever came to mind without really thinking about how my words were coming out. I became violent, and I just remember thinking that I wanted to scrub every damn surface of the house. Odd, right? Well in my mind, every single thing in that house had been a witness to all of the ugly lies. Every damn thing that had happened hit me full force, and I was fucking angry. The aftermath of that night left me embarrassed, and shocked. Here I was, almost thirty years old and still acting like a damn fool.
So, on my birthday I had a shot of whiskey with my coworkers, and I let them know it would be awhile before I took part in another "shots Friday". With the exception of having some homemade liquor to try around Christmas, and then a glass of wine on New Years Eve, I haven't had anymore alcohol. I'm not an alcoholic, at least I don't think so, and according to the definition I don't fall under that label. In fact, it was quite the opposite. I don't feel like I need to drink, or that I'm missing out. I didn't drink very often before because I honestly didn't have the time. Nor the money. If I were to drink it was only on nights that my daughter was staying with my parent's, which wasn't often. And maybe once every few weeks I'd indulge in a glass of wine while cooking. That sounds pretty normal right? The thing is that on the nights when I knew that I didn't have to worry about driving anywhere, or when I knew my daughter was safely in bed at my parent's house I made sure that I had enough to get myself hammered if we were going to be drinking. Call it a byproduct of the "go big or go home" generation. On those nights I was hell bent on drinking and dancing in my living room until I couldn't anymore.
What I didn't really realize until that one night was just how mean alcohol made me. How I would say things, hurtful things, just because. Sure I'd have fun for awhile, but then my mood would shift as I started to do that "drunk deep thinking". Or more recently, when my husband would say something, or play a song that would trigger my anger. And that was another thing...it only happened when I was with him. I could drink with friends, and be the happy, giggly, drunk woman who just wanted to dance and eat food all night. But something about drinking while in my husband's company, or right along with him always changed my demeanor. It was starting to become toxic, and quickly getting worse. On that night I remember being slumped on the floor, sobbing, and trying to scrub the floor while apologizing for my existence.
The next day I spoke with a counselor. I had my ass handed to me. I was told I needed to grow up, and to stop letting myself become a victim. Thousands of women have been in my shoes, some worse off, and even though it was a really shitty thing to go through I needed to face it like the adult that I was. And so I walked out of that office knowing that I couldn't let myself get like that again. If I had gone through that night with a sober mind it would have been different. My temper wouldn't have gotten the best of me. I would have said things in a calm manner, and with more thought behind them. I would have known when to stop pushing. And that's what I wanted. To be calm; to have peace. I wasn't going to get anywhere with all of the anger. So, I knew that I had to give it up. It wasn't something hard for me to do. I drained the remaining wine I had, and put all of my wine glasses away. I didn't look back, and I don't regret it. Sure maybe one day I'll have a few beers, or some wine but right now I'm enjoying how clear my mind is about everything. How I can have a discussion, or talk about how I'm feeling without anything clouding it. What I'm feeling is all me, and it's not being intensified or heightened by a buzz. So for now, a life without alcohol, is what's best for me. And I'm loving every minute of it.
