Wordless Wednesday - Mexico 2016

*I try not to post pictures of the kids due to privacy so this is all you guys get...sorry.

What I Want in The New Year

Looking back on this time last year I really just wanted to get through it, eyes closed tight, and I was so ready for the year to be over with at the same time. I remember sitting in my parents house, and dealing with my situation the best way that I could. This time around I felt different. More aware? More in tune? I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to look at this time of the year in the same way that I used to. There's just a lot of bad that's associated with it. However, I'm trying my best to get passed all of that. To look at this time of year as a way for me to shed the old, and clear my mind. To put out good intentions, and open myself up to receiving the good as well. 

So, in order to be more positive I decided I would jot down the things that I hoped for this year. There would be no finish line though. None of this "lose 25 lbs by summer", or "pick up a new hobby by February" stuff. Instead there would be more compassion, and improvement on how I viewed things. How I treated others, and myself too. I hope to be a bit more selfish this year, and by that I mean doing a lot more "self care". As cliche as that sounds. I feel like I should spend more time looking out for my feelings, and emotions. Manifestation; which I'll write more about at another time. I want to really practice that whole "remove negativity from your life" idea. Take the time to enjoy more of the moments with family, and friends that I'm given. If I've learned anything in the twenty-nine years I've been on this earth, it's that all of the moments are fleeting. They quickly become memories, and I want to be able to say that I remember savoring every drop of it. I know I've talked about social media "detox" before, but in this day it seems really hard to put it into practice for some of us. Mainly because it seems this is the only way we ever keep in contact with each other. So, what I did a few months ago was delete apps, and disable notifications. I only check accounts when I remember, which believe it or not, isn't that often. Probably why it's taken me so long to get back on here. I've also renewed my gym membership because exercise is important to me. I read more bedtime stories with my daughter, and have less screen time. I started to journal again like my previous counselor told me I should. I *meditate 3 minutes a day. when I remember, like he suggested as well. I'm also trying to be more expressive with my support of others. Before I felt that it was implied, or assumed, when certain people in my life had my support. Now I see that some of them need to hear it, and see it. My intentions aren't always as clear as I assume they come off to be. So there's always room for improvements, and learning. I plan on taking advantage of it all this year.

I know it's a lot to work on, and a lot to really hone in on for me. I think what it all boils down to is me being more vocal. To not let things simmer under the surface. Forgive to the best of my abilities. Take stock in the good that I do have, and not dwell on the bad. It all passes in time. Love as much, and as fully as I can too. People need to see it, and feel it. Be happy with myself; for my well being as well as those around me. For my life to change, and be a positive one I really need to embrace where I'm at and the people in it. So here's to this New Year...

*If any of you are interested in meditation the Calm app/desktop web application is pretty awesome! 

Hello, 2017

Soon after my last post there was a memorial service held for James. Sadly, we weren't able to make it. His mom has told us that she plans to come visit sometime within the next few months so I'm hoping to get to see her then. My heart still hurts for her, and sometimes I catch myself thinking that it's not real. It hasn't sunk in yet. And I'm not sure if it ever will...? Mid-December I finally made my way to Mexico for a brief, yet fulfilling, visit. We went back to drop off my grandparents which was bittersweet. I wish they could have stayed longer because it felt like they had just gotten here before they had to make their way back. Next time I'm hoping to be able to take Em along so she can meet some of her cousins too.

Christmas was spent with family. Both sides. My brother, and sister-in-law were here for a week too. My other sister Olivia was here as well so I was really grateful to have everyone within minutes of each other again. Even if it was only for the week. It seemed like it had been so long since the last time we were all together. Eating, laughing, and just enjoying each other's company. New Years Eve was actually spent at home, in my PJ's, and with wine. Em fell asleep early, and so did my husband. Don't let that "accomplishment" fool you though because my ass was in bed by 12:05 am. Still, I consider myself blessed to have been able to close out 2016 with family, and friends.

This new year felt different. And if I'm being honest I had been feeling a shift for the past few months now. As you all know, for me 2015 ended with pain, humiliation, and grief. However, 2016 was a testing year as well. Mentally, physically, and emotionally. It brought with it some understanding, strength, and awareness that I didn't have before. But above all else it brought me growth. The ending of it was welcomed, and despite tragedy, I felt like 2016 was the closing of one long chapter. I felt like I was almost at the top of this big ass mountain that I had been trying to climb all year. In my head I knew that if I could just get to the very top I would finally be able to see something. That things would be clearer for me. I had been trying really hard to heal, move forward, and yet I had been so focused on what happened that I couldn't get passed that last obstacle. Well, I can say with certainty that there was a click. A "shit or get off the pot" kind of moment if you will? That shift happened, and even though I'm not exactly sure when it took place I know I walked into 2017 with clarity. Sure there's a bit of haze left over, but overall I feel like this is truly going to be my year. 

So.... Hello, 2017.