To The Troll

My previous post was an update. When I spend a lot of time away from writing on this blog that's what I do. I take everything that has happened, and try to condense it into one summarized post. There are no dates, or actual timeline for those who read to actually know the minute or day that things happened. And even though YOU (you know who you are) don't really deserve any type of explanation or response, I feel up to giving you one anyway. Because fuck it. I've addressed you via text and over social media, and yet you still choose to hide behind other accounts. And worse, you try to create more drama by trying to go around me. 

This is a message that I received last night. Along with the same person trying to create drama by addressing my estranged husband over social media. But before I address that, here's a bit of history for you, that is extremely personal: My husband pursued another relationship while we were living separately. I won't get into the dirty details, but I'm sure from the previous posts many had already guessed that. I spoke with a lawyer, he spoke with a lawyer, and things got pretty nasty. I had papers drawn up in JANUARY, and we had agreed to file for a divorce at the beginning of FEBRUARY. At this point from the suggestion of a counselor, my doctor, my family, and even some coworkers I was encouraged to start "getting back out there". Reconnect with some old  friends. Go out on a date. Start doing things that I wanted to do. And so I started to do just that. Only, as that was all unfolding for me my husband spiraled out of control, and hit a wall full force. That's when he asked for help. And even though he was living with us we were in separate rooms, and he was still talking to someone else. For the sake of our daughter we wanted to remain amicable going forward.

So, with that in mind I actually reconnected with several old friends. I spoke with one of my best friends, and was informed that I should reconnect with a mutual friend of ours because he had just gotten out of a relationship as well. I was told that we should talk because we were going through very similar situations. So, I got in contact and we talked. Initially it was just a lot of catching up. Comparing notes, who got dealt the worse hand. Then there was flirting later on from both sides, and communication became more frequent. However, that's as far as things ever went. I wasn't ready to actually date anyone. According to him, neither was he. By law I am still married, and I wouldn't bring someone else into the picture until I was divorced. Any person going through this knows that it's nice to be complimented. To be hit on. Especially when you've heard some pretty ugly things about yourself that came from someone you thought you would be with for the rest of your life. When that person walks out, tells you that they might prefer someone else, it really does a number on you. And so, dipping my toes so to speak, into putting myself back out there was a baby step for me. I didn't have any expectations, and for the most part it was just really nice to have someone to talk to that knew what I was going through. The confusion; the hesitation. The heartbreak, the anger, and the loss. Sometimes when I felt like I was so deserving of what I was going through, what had happened, I was reminded that I was worth more. No one deserved that kind of treatment. That alone got me through some rough days, and anxiety attacks. Maybe I should have waited longer? Maybe I should have set boundaries? Maybe I should have done a little more homework on who I was talking to? From where I was standing though, my marriage was over and that had been stressed to me on several occasions by my own spouse, so I was doing my best to move forward. And if you're wanting to judge me for that, go for it. Your opinion of me doesn't matter because you're not important to me.

Last MONDAY, my husband randomly asked if there was hope for us. If there was any chance of us trying to make things work. Or had he pushed things too far? I informed him that he had pushed things too far. That I wasn't sure we could ever work things out because the trust was gone. He was still speaking to other people, and I had seen the messages to prove it. So unless that changed, I didn't see a point in us dragging things out. I wanted us to both be happy even if that meant we would no longer be together. He asked if I wanted to see other people? "Maybe" was my response, "But I won't date anyone until the divorce is started." Then on THURSDAY, he did something really reckless. He hit the absolute lowest point that he could, and those actions that he took shook me. We had to have an emergency meeting with two doctors, as well as three counseling sessions. We've both gone in this week, and will be doing more "group" (he and I together) sessions today as well as tomorrow. We've talked to the counselor about needing to find goals, about whether we need to table the divorce for now, can things work out if we both get to a good place, and how each of us feels about getting to a better place regardless so that what happened on Thursday does not happen again. So for now, as of THIS MONDAY, we've both agreed to put things on hold. The papers have been shelved, and we will see where the next few months take us.

SO THAT'S WHERE I AM, CURRENTLY. However, last WEDNESDAY, I received some messages from that friend's ex girlfriend. Or as she claimed, still current girlfriend, and had been the whole time. Which was news to me. That same night I received messages from him as well as one of his friends, stating that the "crazy ex girlfriend" had stolen his phone, and to disregard anything that came from that number. Instead I went ahead, and addressed both of them. Because the last thing I need in my life right now is more drama. He needed to figure his shit out with her, and I wished him luck. If she was mad about the flirting then she needed to take things up with him. Because from what he had told me, and others, he was not with anyone so he could do as he pleased. And I was definitely the least of her problems. I washed my hands of the situation, stopped responding, and moved on to more important things because the following day was one of the scariest I had ever been through.

Then last night, my husband received a message via Facebook, and I received the one above. So it seems this person is still mad, still trying to retaliate, and still wanting to stir things up. Here is my response to YOU: 

If there's something you want to talk about or need addressed, do so with me. You have my number. Do not be a coward, and hide behind different screen names so you can try to bring other people into the drama. My estranged husband and I are currently going through our own private situation that I really didn't need to explain to YOU, but since you clearly want to know/get into my business; THERE YOU GO. Even that brief glimpse above doesn't even begin to cover the extent of what we are going through so do not try to pretend like you know anything about my life. You have some serious issues you need to work through, and I suggest you do that with your ex or current boyfriend or whatever it is that you two are. Along with a really good counselor because you obviously need it. Your situation has nothing to do with me, and everything to do with you two so maybe you should focus on that. If it is true that you were still together then know that it was never my intention to be talking to someone who was in a relationship because that happened to me, and I wouldn't wish that on anyone. So how about you deal with all of those that stated you two were not together, including him personally, instead of trying to repeatedly attack me. I hope you two figure out whatever it is that you are or are not, and I hope that it's resolved soon. However, if the harassment continues, I will seek out a more permanent and legal way to remove you from my life.

Now swerve on. 

Time

Time is such a funny thing. When they say that it "heals" well, I'm not sure how accurate that is, but I can vouch that it takes the sting away from the pain. I went through and re-read some of my previous posts, and embarrassingly feel like I should take them down. Not because I'm ashamed really, but because I should have given myself more time. I should have let the sting fade. So, I may or may not revert them back to drafts.

It's been six months (give or take a few days) since life as I knew it kind of crumbled. I went through some really low lows, and some medium acceptable days. There were a lot of tears, some smiles, and a lot of family and friends that lent me strength when I needed it most. I'm completely grateful for each and every one of them. Currently, I am still married. Though we're both leaning towards divorce. My estranged husband did a lot of damage to himself, our relationship, and to our family. We've talked about trying to work things out, but as of right now we aren't sure that's a realistic goal for us. He's currently on his road to getting better though he's had a few hiccups along the way. As of right now I'm helping in a small way to get him back on his feet. We are remaining amicable, and residing in the same house. I know some people have asked if this is confusing for our daughter, to which I normally answer that I believe it's not. I've had many discussions with her about how our family is changing, and what exactly that means. When my husband first left she started having a lot of separation anxiety from me. She would start to hyperventilate, and she would cry every day at school. There were times when she refused to speak to him, and on the times he did visit she would just hide. When we finally started to get back on the right track we gradually started having him back in our day to day life, and those issues started going away. Recently when I spoke to her about how our living arrangements would one day go back to her daddy having another home she responded by telling me: "That's okay mommy, I just don't want you and daddy to fight." There's no bad blood between the two of us, and I've forgiven a lot. After a recent conversation I think we both just feel that we're happier co-parenting, and living separately because we want different things as well as to live different lifestyles. So that's currently the stage that we're in, and we're doing our best to get through it.

Our living arrangement went from staying at my parents home, to moving back into our own place. Though we've not ruled out moving back in with my parents over the summer in order to save up some money once my husband officially gets back on his own feet. But for now, as we take things day by day, we are still in our own home. Our own space. Things are surprisingly peaceful, which I'm happy about. On another note, we found out in January that Emery has a hernia, and it's in a pretty unusual spot for a 6 year old. We have to see a specialist at the end of the month and then schedule a surgery. I've heard that these are pretty easy fixes, but it' still hard knowing that she'll be put under. On top of that my employer stopped paying for family insurance. Our attempt to get her on ObamaCare was a complete bust because none of the specialist take it, and neither does the Children's Hospital. So this will have to be an out of pocket procedure. Having her on her own insurance plan through the regular market place (they go based off of our combined income from last year) would cost me between $375-$450 a month. That's not possible for me to swing right now so it's not an option. On that front we're still trying to figure things out though.

Other than that I've been having to relearn some things. Habits are hard to break, you know? I'm trying to stand on my own two feet, and really put an effort into discovering who I am. I know that even though our family dynamic is changing there's still a lot of love between all of us. I'm not sure what the final outcome will be, but I do know that we'll always be a family no matter what. It just might not look like the traditional version, but that's okay. It's been a slow process that at times seemed almost impossible to go through, and there are still times when I get scared at the reality of what the future holds for us. But in the end I know that I can handle whatever life throws at me next. And we're all going to be okay.

Stalled

I have no control. My situation goes back and forth, and from one day to the next things change. I'm not a fan of this. I'm not a fan of not knowing. Of not having a plan or an end goal. It's frustrating, and beyond defeating. But there is nothing I can do about it. I just...put one foot in front of the other to keep pushing myself forward.

My husband says that he's not in a good place. He says he is unsure of every little thing in his life. He's confused. He's not sure if he'll ever be ready. Sadly, my daughter and I suffer right along with him. I've been told so many different things over the past month that have left my head spinning: I'm wanted, but then I'm not. I'm too jealous, but then I don't pay enough attention. I'm missed, but then not missed enough. I have done too little too late, or too much too soon. I am not enough, but at the same time I'm too good for someone like him. I've been told that I should leave him alone, stay out of his business, and yet I am the one at fault for not repeatedly informing him of events that pertain to our daughter. He wants us back, but then he doesn't miss our life. It's back and forth. Back and forth.

My nights are no longer my own. Before I was comforted in knowing that at some point, whether it was 9 pm or 1 am, he would bring himself home to us. He's not anymore. That reality is like being kicked repeatedly in the stomach every time I step through our front door. And at night, I find that my mind races and my heart feels so heavy with the sadness. He's living in a different house with his brother now. They throw parties, and invite other women over. My gut tells me that something is bound to happen, if it hasn't already. Playing with fire like that is not good. But, that's what makes him happy. One morning as we drove by I saw a woman's car parked in their drive way. And I remember just feeling so heartbroken. So lost, confused, and just hurt. From the back seat, as she looked out the window at their house, our daughter quietly stated, "Mommy. Daddy's not coming back home, is he?" And just seeing the look on her face made my heart crack. Our new reality hit me again, full force. "No, baby, I don't think he is." After I dropped her off I saw the pictures plastered on social media of the four of them all hugging each other on their couch. Later that morning when I asked him about it, he told me that I needed to stay out of his life. To stop "stalking" him because he needed space. The woman that stayed over was his brother's girlfriend, he said. He also stated that they were all just friends, and he was entitled to those. I guess he's right. However, I don't think what he's doing is very respectful to me, or to our marriage. Because, we are still married. I have male friends, but I don't go out partying with them or hugging all over them. I have more respect for my husband then that. What he's doing. Who he's inviting into his home. That's just like pouring gasoline next to an open flame. We no longer take that route anymore. It was too much for me to handle. And our daughter no longer asks to go over to see him.

Prayer, my parents, and the few close friends who know what is going on have been really getting us through our days. Keeping busy, and finals approaching next week have been huge distractions. The hardest time for me is at night when Em is finally asleep, and I'm left alone with my thoughts. I constantly wonder what he's doing, and who he's doing it with. Is he missing us? Does he regret his choices? Will he ever find his way back to me? Would I even want him to now that he's taken things so far? Sometimes, I get angry. I tell myself that I should not be okay with being a "second choice". I should not be the backup that someone settles for. I refuse to be someone's afterthought. I deserve to have someone who wants me, through the good times and the bad ones. Someone who fights for me; for us. My daughter and I deserve to have someone in our lives that wants to spend time with us. To be a family. I deserve to be wanted. Then there are nights when I sob into the shirt he left behind because I miss him so much. I feel like I'm being crushed by the weight of all the pain his absence has left behind. It echos in everything. The empty walls that once held his musical instruments. The silent rooms that no longer hold his laughter, or the music he meticulously worked on every day. And the empty drawers I refuse to fill up because they were his. I curl up on the couch, shirt in hand, and I close my eyes while I cry. I sit there long into the morning hours, waiting, pretending that he'll walk through the door at any moment.