I’m sitting here in my parent’s spare room/apartment sipping
on a cup of spearmint tea while trying to process the reality of my new
situation. The reason for why I attempted so hard to make my birthday a good day is
because that was the same day that my husband informed me he wanted a
separation. The following day he
informed me that it would more than likely be a divorce because he could no
longer see a future with me. He needed us to leave while he gathered his things,
and found a new place to live. A week, two tops. So we did. And now I sit here, while my
daughter watches
“The Thunderman’s” on my tablet, completely dumbfounded. I was just given the news via text message that he’s found another place to live, and will be out of our
house within the next few days, which means that she and I will be able to
return to our home as soon as the end of this week. The only thing I can think to do, or even
find myself needing to do is writing it all down.
Our current situation is heartbreaking for me. Though I love my husband; I can’t go down
with that ship anymore. I can’t keep chasing ghosts, or trying to make him see
something he clearly refuses to open his eyes to. And the truth is, him walking
away, will probably be for the best in the long run. You see my husband has his
demons, and lately they were consuming him as well as tainting our lives in horrible ways. But he refused to change or seek out help. My
love for him kept me weak to the point where I dealt with whatever his problems
manifested into. I took the brunt of everything being dished out, but in his eyes I still became the enemy
in the end. I offered to set us up for counseling, or even if he just wanted
solo sessions I encouraged him to try. But he refused. I tried to compromise on things most
people would have viewed as being out of the question to begin with. I've been asked constantly, "Why do you put up with that?" I've even heard, "You deserve better." But my answers were always the same..."He's my husband, and I love him." I was there for him when no one
else was, and it was always my responsibility to make sure that he was okay. I
did it all because I loved him, and that’s what spouses do right? They’re there
even in the darkest of times. Family members would sometimes tell me about some of those enduring couple stories to help me get through a tough day: "I know this lady who stuck by her husband for 15 years before he turned his life around, and they are good now. So it's possible for you to have that too. Just be patient if you can, and be there for him when he needs it." So I had hope that things would be better. Eventually.
I prayed every night. I asked for signs. I counted the good days as blessing,
and the bad ones as just something we had to deal with. It was all part of the
process. But I always had this faith that one day he would realize that change
for the better needed to happen. I wanted him to realize that our daughter and I
were his future. I wanted our fairy-tale to be one that lasted, that endured the
bad, and made it out to the other side stronger. But that doesn’t look like it’s
in the cards for us.
So when he told me that this is what he wanted, I was blindsided. But, I let it be.
I gave my warnings, and of course we had some words. Ending our marriage is not
something that I take lightly, and it’s certainly not an easy thing for me to swallow.
I’ve wanted nothing but the best for my husband. I still do. I want him to
succeed, and to be happy. I want him to be a good person, and to feel
fulfilled. I also wanted him to be a family man that wanted to spend time with his family. Someone who made us a priority. But my husband has decided to move backwards rather than
forward. And what's so crushing to me is that he went from one day telling me he loved me as he walked out the door for work to telling me that I was the reason for his unhappiness the very next day. He decided, what seems like overnight, to rearrange his
priorities and they no longer include me. And the pain from that...has left me feeling like I'm being torn to pieces. I fear that his decisions, and the choices he's been making since he asked for the separation will only lead to really bad things for all of us. But I've been told adamantly that it's no longer my concern. And so, I’m letting go. I’m
trying my hardest to step back, and let him do what he feels he needs to do. This
is his lesson to learn, not mine.
I think the hardest part about our situation, for me, is how
our daughter will be affected. I wanted us to BOTH explain what was going on,
but that didn’t work out as planned. I was left with undertaking that task on
my own. It’s not easy to tell someone you love so much that their world is
about to be turned upside down. That even though you love their daddy so much there
was nothing else that could be done to change how the future is about to unfold. Of course I looked into
some of the ways to tell your young child that you’re separating. Some of the advice given was what I expected to hear. Things like
telling them it’s okay to be sad, to feel confused, or to cry. There was other advice about how you need to reassure them that
both of you will continually be there for them no matter what. Even as I spat
out the words it all felt so surreal. I couldn't believe that this was actually happening. She took it as best as any five year old
could I suppose. And every day I ask her if she needs to talk she’s more than
welcome to. Or if she wants to call her dad she can. She’s resilient though,
and she’s strong. She’s also really smart, and sympathetic. Today, she made
some joke, and with so much pride proclaimed “Oh, I sounded just like daddy!” Then
she closed her eyes tightly, peeked out of one slowly and said “Oops…Mommy, does it make you sad
that I sound like my daddy?” Of course it didn’t make me sad, well maybe a
little, but not in the way she was thinking. So, I just smiled. I told her I
wasn’t sad, but instead I was glad she sounded like her daddy. She has a
little bit of both of us in her, and she should never feel like that was a bad
thing.
All of this while communicating daily with my husband about what
will be taken, and what will be left behind. How will our assets be separated,
and how long will our various accounts still be joint ones? What does he get to
take to his new home, and what will I get to keep? Which TV does he take, which
movies does he pack, will the dogs stay with me or him? Are we going to file immediately, or take some time to think it over? It’s all so trivial, so
foreign, and something I had never thought in a million years I’d have to
consider. And yet...here we are…
This post was written on October 25th 2015 at 4:30pm. I've only just now gotten the courage to publish it.
