Wordless Wednesday

My Heart & A Final Goodbye

Last Thursday, after hearing about everything, I just wanted to go home and cuddle with my baby. I had been reminded of how fragile life really is and I just needed the reassurance. I needed to hold her. But as I was driving home Emery fell asleep, so instead of waking her up I just let her sleep. I got her all ready for bed without her waking up once. Then I got into my pj’s and read while she was nestled up against me.

Every few minutes I’d stop reading and just stare at her. My daughter. Her long lashes, her tiny feet, and small fingers. I watched as she mumbled about the Princesses, and dinosaurs. Man, how I wish I could see what she dreams of! I spent all afternoon in our bed with her. The laundry and dishes could wait. I read and watched. I felt the exact same way I did on the day she was born. And that's how I was certain that I will never be able to see Emery as anything but my tiny little baby. The one who showed me what unconditional love was like. My heart was so full of love to the point of it threatening to burst! I couldn't imagine my life without her in it. And as grateful as I was for this it also made me feel really sad.

I can look at my life and say that everything I do, I do for her. When you become a first time parent, it can be a little hard to set aside your selfishness. You've gone so long with everything being about yourself and/or your spouse that sometimes it’s a little hard to give things up right away. But slowly you change. You see things differently, from a completely new perspective. And before you know it you’re living your life for them. It's the same but in a completely new way if that makes any sense? And as crappy as this sounds (because of the timing) I held onto Emery so tight that night while thanking God that she was here. I thanked him for keeping her safe, and allowing me to have her here with me. And I begged him to allow me to go first when the time comes because I am not strong enough to go through that loss. It would completely break me.

And that’s when I finally let myself cry. I cried for Monica who lost her oldest son on Wednesday night. As a mom, I now understand that that grief is staggering. Crippling. How do you possibly recover from that? Just thinking about having to bury your own child, regardless of whether their 3, 16, or 60, they are and will always be your baby. Losing that baby is like cutting out your own heart. So I cried for Monica, for the loss that she as a mother was feeling. But even with the grief I felt I doubt it’s anything close to what she was feeling. And I am so sorry that she has to walk this path. It’s not right, and it’s not fair. And for that I’m truly sorry. And finally I cried as a friend because I truly had wished for Anthony to grow old with a wife and children. He still had so much he wanted to accomplish and he deserved a wonderful life.

Today, we say goodbye to Anthony for the last time. This whole weekend we spent with the family trying to comfort and be as useful as we could be. A lot of what happened has come to light, and it all sums up to an unfortunate freak accident. Something that could have happened to any one of us. In a way, I’m glad. I think we all are really. Had it been because someone was drunk or under any other influence I think we’d all be a bit angry. Regardless, it’s all still very sad, and I wish with everything that this wasn't how his story ended here. I wish instead of hearing about this and having to attend a funeral this afternoon that I would instead be getting one of those family updates. But, that's not how life goes does it?

Anthony, you will be missed by many.