Letting Go of Family & Gaining More

Back in November of last year, I published a post about how it felt to feel like I was being “replaced” by my ex-husband’s family. To realize that the spot usually reserved for me in their lives, in their homes, was no longer mine. At the time, it was just that, me writing it out. The fear of all of those losses at once was magnifying my anxiety. I also wrote about hoping that once the dust settled that they’d at least still want to be active in my daughter’s life. After I wrote it all out, I left it there on those pages and went about my life like normal. Well, unfortunately, my fears weren’t entirely unfounded. 

All of these feelings and changes were surfacing around the same time that I was testing out the dating waters. I was learning how to put up boundaries and enforce them. Thanksgiving and Christmas went as well as they possibly could. And then for New Years, some of my ex-husband’s relatives from California came for a visit. Oddly, and of course with a bit of drama, there was this nagging feeling of “this is the last time” that tugged at my heart their entire stay. One night in particular we were all having dinner, talking in the kitchen as we took trips down memory lane. I was excited about my new relationship. I was grateful that co-parenting was becoming easier. I laughed with my ex-husband for the first time in what had seemed like forever. I watched my daughter play with her cousins. I drank a glass of wine for old times sake. As I sat there I remember thinking that everything was going to be okay. On the last day of their visit I gave each of them a long hug goodbye and told them that I loved them. Then, my daughter and I gathered our things and headed home. 

Months went by. I would reach out to see how everyone was doing. But it was never reciprocated. The last time we saw my daughter’s great-grandmother was for her birthday in April. We dropped off a gift at her work and spoke briefly. It was then that I could really feel things getting distant. Then my ex spiraled and was involved in two car accidents within days of each other. Shortly afterwards, his girlfriend gave birth to their baby boy. Making Emery an official big sister. And soon after the baby’s arrival, everyone besides my ex sister-in-law stopped communicating with me. Though we are all still friends on certain social media platforms there’s no interaction. And what I’m learning from all of this is that you can hope all that you want for things to be great between yourself and family after a divorce. You can even try your hardest to keep those relationships going for the sake of your child. But in the end, it has to be a two-way street for it to work. And sadly, that hasn’t been the case for us. 

Back at the end of May I stopped trying to arrange for visits or dinners because of the vague “plan to make plans” responses that never went further. Now we’re four months down the road and my daughter has stopped asking about them. With the exception of one and a few from out of state. Her dad has not exercised any of his visitation since June. Though he does call or FaceTime from time to time and has said that he’ll try to attend our family counseling sessions going forward. And she hasn’t seen her little brother in just as long. Now, at first, I was angry over all of this. We had been a part of this family for over ten years. How dare they just toss us to the side. I mean, I could understand the reason for my being excommunicated, but not my daughter. I expected more of an effort. I expected them to at least try to keep a relationship with her going. I expected them to care a bit more. To want more. Then, one afternoon while my brother and sister were down for a visit, my mother asked me if my ex had seen our daughter lately. My response opened up another conversation and as we all discussed what had been happening with that side of the family my mother thoughtfully said, “Sometimes, these things are for the best. God knows why he’s taking them out of y’alls lives. Maybe it’s better this way?” After discussing things a bit more we all agreed that what my mom was saying was right. 

If I were being honest, nothing had really changed from before. The only time we ever saw that side of the family (those in Texas) was over the holiday’s. Even though we all lived within fifteen minutes of each other. So, what was the difference, really? Nothing. And if effort was never put forth before then, why would it be now? Well, it wouldn’t. And y’all, my daughter and I have more than enough family and love to go around. Not only do we have my side of the family but we’re also gaining my partner’s family too. And they’ve been so wonderful to the both of us! My daughter gets to spend plenty of time with my parents and also with my partner’s parents. She’s spending time with the boys she calls her “step-brothers”, and their combined love for adventures has them outdoors being kids. The changes I’m seeing in her because of these new familial relationships have been very positive, and welcomed. 

Now, I know that my daughter is too young to really understand any of this, but one day she will. One day she’ll see who was actually making an effort to be a part of her life. And if by that time, nothing has changed then, it really is their loss. We'll keep in touch with those that want to, and the ones that don't - I wish them well. In the meantime, my daughter's gaining more family. She’s constantly learning new things. She’s being cared for and loved. So, in letting some people out of our lives, we’ve been blessed with many more. Our village is growing and I’m no longer angry. We’re doing really, really well. We’re moving forward. But most importantly, we’re happy. With or without them. We're happy.