Consequences - Part One

Written on 11/10/17

How to start this off. Well, first let me just warn you that this will probably be a long post. I will ramble along in order to try, and find the words for what has been going on lately. Some might find the news a bit confusing, expected, untraditional, or just plain weird. However, I figured it was probably time that I share…

On October 23rd, after two months of talking with my husband & witnessing several things, I retained a lawyer. On the 27th a divorce petition was filed. I could tell you that this was the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make, but that would be an understatement. In some ways, this was worse than the last time. Much worse. I cried at the lawyer’s office. I cried in the bathroom at work. I cried at the grocery store. I cried as I ran on the treadmill in the middle of my gym. And I’ve cried myself to sleep on countless nights since. For the most part I’ve felt this numbness. It’s mixed in with a broken heart, and feelings of defeat; dejectedness. I’m pretty sure this is causing my depression to get worse too. So, the past month has been hard; sad, lonely. Unfortunately, this is happening because it was the only option I had left. I had exhausted everything else. I had drawn, and redrawn lines. There was compromises, and forgiveness. And yet there was still a lot of other stuff simmering beneath the surface. So, in the end, I knew that this was the right thing to do.

At first my husband was angry. I’m assuming that this was because I had actually gone through with it. We'd talked about it a lot in the months prior to me retaining a lawyer. Though, I think we both thought it was just that... "talks". Never had I ever imagined being the one to pull the trigger on this decision. And yet, here we are. Once he accepted that we were moving in this direction there were apologies and voiced regrets. From both of us. And if my heart hadn’t already been broken it would have cracked—shattered at his words. However, it all comes down to choices. Consequences. Drug addiction has played a part in this. Infidelity has played a part in this. All of the recurrences I was warned about. All of the habits I was told would come back... did. But I chose to ignore them. Until I couldn’t anymore. My own stubbornness played a part in this. My own fear of failure played a part in this. My want of love from him was causing my own heartbreak. Because I wanted it so damn badly that I chose to look away from what was happening. Until I couldn’t anymore.

But if you want honesty, I’d say that I still love my husband. So damn much. He is the person I think of when I want to tell someone about my day. When I need to laugh, cry, or just be heard. When I want to be held in silence, he's the person I look for. When I have this urge to just lay down in bed as the sound of rain comes through the window I want him to be the person laying next to me. Or when our daughter does something funny I instantly want to share it with him. Our lives have been intertwined since I was 15. My first adventures away from home, life—the good & bad-- that I have led, and my daughter are all with him. Because of him. Knowing right now, in this very moment, that in a few months we are no longer going to be married is causing me to have knots in my stomach. I feel empty...hurt. And honestly, if it were just the two of us, I wouldn’t be sitting here telling you this news. God, if it were just the two of us, I would look the other way as long as he came home to me every night. Not sure what that says about me in the end. But I would have overlooked it all. I would grin, and bear it as long as he kept loving me. In whatever capacity he was capable of. But it’s not, and I can’t.

I wish things were different. I wish that I could erase the bad shit. I wish that we were strong enough to find a way around all of this. I wish we could go back to the days when love conquered all. When it was enough. But there comes a point in life, when in situations like mine, that you have to ask yourself if you’re okay. If you’re truly fine with what’s happening to your family? If the turbulent home life you’re offering is the best that you can do for your child? For yourself? For your spouse? Regardless of who’s causing the conflict. You have to ask yourself if the path you’re currently on is a healthy one? Are you really able to look at yourself in the mirror, and be okay with what you’re allowing? If the answers are “YES” then keep going. Keep fighting for it. And if you can look your child in the eyes in that very same moment, and tell them with complete honesty that this is the best you can do for them then by all means keep going. But if it’s not? If you’re breaking your own heart, over and over again, then stop. If you know deep down inside of yourself that continuing will only make things worse, then make the choice to do better. However messy, and hard it may be...do what's right for yourself. For your family.

So, for the sake of our daughter we’ve decided to go through this amicably. Reluctantly, but peacefully. We’ve also talked to her about all of this. We’ve had discussions about what divorce will mean for us. How it will affect us as a family. And so far, she’s okay. As soon as I knew that we’d be taking this step I spoke with her teacher, and requested that she start seeing the school counselor once every other week or if they noticed a change in her behavior. This has, surprisingly, been the easiest part out of this whole situation because I feel that neither of us really wanted this outcome. But it is what we need. There is still love here. So that’s where we are at right now. It’s a bit awkward. Not everyone knows how to react when we tell them. Hell, half the time I’m still really confused by it all. But all I can do is try my hardest to get through it. For myself. For my daughter. And for whatever is yet to come. 

📷:Rupi Kaur poetry, click on picture for credit