This post was written on June 12, 2018
I’m not exactly sure what direction this post will go in. Sometimes I just have to purge some feelings, you know? And so, they get stuck here for you to read or not read. But they need to go somewhere or I’ll start to drive myself crazy with all of the overthinking. Sorry! Now, today, I need to talk about something that happened in our little town. It’s nothing out of the ordinary really. It happens all over the world. Every day. Every minute. Someone dies. Now, I know I know, you’re probably sitting there thinking “What the hell, Raquel? Why so fixated on such depressing subject matter lately?” Well, I’m sorry y’all but apparently this month was just a downer. But bear with me, okay?
On Sunday morning I woke up around 2 am to the sounds of sirens. They weren't extremely loud so I knew it wasn't on my block, but they were loud enough to know it was close. Since they woke me up I got out of bed and walked to the back door. I opened it, and I looked around. Still half asleep I shuffled outside, and just stood there quietly for a few moments listening. After a bit I made my way back in; back to my bed. I fell asleep thinking about the smell of smoke. Later that morning, around 8 am, my mother called to ask if we had power. She was at the grocery store a few blocks down the road and they were experiencing a power outage. She asked if I had seen all of the fire trucks blocking off one of the roads, and whether I knew if a transform had blown. Half asleep I responded with something along the lines of, “Yep. We have power. I heard the sirens in the middle of the night. If it was a transformer I’m sure they’re working on getting the electricity back up.” We hung up, and I went about my day like normal.
On Monday morning I saw a picture that a friend posted along with a caption about still being in disbelief, and shock. That’s when I recognized the person in the picture with her. I blinked. I scrolled further down my feed, and there was someone else talking about tragedy. I blinked. Further down there was a post from the local gym sending condolences to the family of some name that sounded familiar. What happened? Then there was the scanner page with a notice about a structure fire in our little town. At the very bottom of the post it read: ONE FATALITY RESULTING FROM THIS FIRE. There was a picture of a building that was charred on one side, and right next to it was what remained of a house. A house I knew I had driven by countless times. A house I once marked as my half way point during my runs. A house that I can now only picture as the rubble and burned piles of wood from the pictures that were posted online Monday afternoon. And no matter how hard I blink I cannot remember what it looked like before.
The first time I ran into this person was at the gym. And I literally almost ran into him. I was coming out of the women’s bathroom as he was walking into the hallway, and I was so focused on getting my playlist to work that I wasn’t looking up. By the time I did look all I saw was a chest, and I quickly jumped back. “Whoa, my bad! I’m sorry.” I took a few more steps back as I slipped my earbuds in, and then awkwardly shuffled around him. I went about my workout, and left. Now, I don't know if you know, but you can learn a lot about someone while your at the gym. And in case you haven't figured it out yet I’m not a hugely social person. So, my gym time consisted of listening to music while people watching in order to get through my workouts. And as the weeks went by I found it really interesting to see how people gravitated towards him when he’d show up. He was always focused, but if anyone came up to talk with him he would always smile. When he talked people listened, and when he was on his way out of the gym he always made sure to say "bye", and wave at everyone he knew. So, from that day forward he was “that happy gym guy” to me.
After that, I saw him around town a lot. And y’all, his face was not one that you would easily forget. He was handsome, but sometimes I wondered if he even knew it? I’d see him at the grocery store, and at Walgreen's. I’d catch glimpses of him as he drove down the road with his dogs. And just a few weeks ago, I had been sick making a last minute run to Dollar General to grab some medicine. Emery made a break for it the minute we stepped inside; running from aisle to aisle. I was sneezing, a frazzled mess, and as I rounded the corner I almost ran right smack into him yet again. He had been pensively looking at the random wine selection when I almost fell backwards in order to avoid face planting into his shoulder. As I mumbled my “excuse me” he turned to the side and smiled. When I passed by him I could smell smoke, wood, and something earthy. And as weird as it may sound, I almost wanted to ask him if it was a cologne, or body spray. Once I had grabbed everything that I needed I made my way to the checkout line. He was already there, but when he saw me coming around he said “Hey, why don’t you go ahead of me?” I shook my head and told him it was okay, but he insisted. “No, go ahead,” he said as he stepped aside for me to pass. “Thank you,” I replied. And he just smiled.
That was the last time I saw him. As I did more digging, and clicked on various articles the realization that the name did in fact belong to the guy in the picture left my stomach in knots. Less than twenty-four hours later an obituary was posted, and it was confirmed. I felt sadness, shock, and disbelief. It kind of caught me off guard. I mean, I didn’t even actually know the guy. He wasn’t someone important to me, or even someone that I spoke to. And yet here I was wishing that I had a time machine to go back, and fix things. To stop it all from happening. You see it’s people like him, who go out of their way to make others feel important -- who are kind, and smile-- that I wish we had more of in this world. Now, I could be totally wrong, and he could have been a complete jerk. But from the way others, including people that I know for a fact would not associate themselves with assholes, speak of him I have a feeling that my assumptions are correct. That he may not have been a complete saint, but he was a pretty decent human being. And as strange as this whole thing may sound to you I’m really going to miss his presence in this town. I’m going to miss seeing him at the gym, and watching the younger girls trying to get his attention. I’m going to miss seeing him driving around with his pups, and awkwardly trying to avoid causing him bodily harm with my clumsiness. But I’m also sad for the future that’s been completely taken from him. Snuffed out; just like that. I’m sad for his son, who lost a father. For his siblings, and parents. I’m sad for his friends, whose lives were made better by his friendship. And I’m sad that whatever his plans may have been, whatever steps he was taking in order to achieve his goals, they will no longer be set into motion. I’m sad for the possibility of what could have been, for him.
Now, does all of this sound weird to y’all? My reaction. I know I probably sound completely off my rocker by talking about a stranger like this. But how interesting is it that we go through life, and have certain people who affect us in such different ways? Some we don’t even really know until they aren’t there anymore. How amazing is it that people we only have these tiny moments of interaction with can lift us up by just smiling? By making kind gestures. By acknowledging that we aren’t invisible. Even on the worst days. Sitting here my only regret is that I never reciprocated. I was always so caught up with my life, my drama, and my problems. I don’t remember ever smiling back. I don’t remember ever saying bye, or nodding. You know, "the gym nod" that gym people give each other as they leave. And maybe that’s not even something he ever gave a second thought about seeing as how I was no one to him. But it made me think that I must have come off as a snobby bitch. Then as I drove home I remembered an article I once read several years ago. It was about someone who suffered from depression, but they made it a priority to smile at others every day. They said it was because we never knew who was battling demons. Who was struggling to just exist that day. And for a long time I took what that article said to heart. So I tried to do that for others. I would smile at people, and try to pay it forward as often as I could. Somewhere along the way I guess I just...stopped. Maybe not completely, but I definitely didn’t do it as often. And now that this man is gone it’s bringing it all back up. Because whether he knew it or not, he left an impression on me. In my life, he was that guy in the article. The one who always smiled. And looking back on it now it means a lot that he did. The reality of him not being here to do that anymore is leaving me with this feeling of unease. Unsettled. So, I needed to talk about this. I needed to get this out. Because he was important. And just maybe it'll show you that even when you don't think your presence is wanted or needed...you're probably still very much important to someone out there.
Thank you for your light.
💙
