Recently, my partner and I have spoken at great lengths about what we’d like for our future. We’re just over six months into our relationship, which some might think is still fairly new, but we’ve actually been having these conversations since we first started dating. I have no idea if it’s the experience or our ages, but we’ve always had this, “Here are all of my cards. Is this cool or not because I don’t want us to waste each other's time” type of approach to our relationship from the get-go. But there we were a week into dating, while Grey’s Anatomy played in the background, talking about the future we envisioned.
The conversations have since kept going. At first, we wanted to make sure that the plans and goals we had for ourselves would still work if we were together. Could we be supportive of each other? Did we have similar views on family and life? Was either of us willing to compromise on certain things and what were our non-negotiables? Did each of us have deal breakers? Then, we talked about our religion and what church we’ll be attending going forward. We’ve discussed marriage and how we’d like for that to happen. We’ve discussed where we want to live, and back in April, we made a decision on where we’ll be moving to before the end of the year. This move won’t be our “ultimate destination” but we already know where that will eventually be too. God willing. And then, there was the topic of whether or not we would want to grow our family.
The subject of children was something that we covered very early on. As you all know, I have one child of my own. My partner does not have any biological children, however, he was a father figure to two children from a previous relationship. Since they are all on good terms, he is still active in their lives. If you’ve followed along for a while now, you also probably know that I have always wanted more children but felt like it was a very irresponsible thing to do given the state of my marriage at the time. Then, last year when I found out my ex-husband was having another child I struggled with a bit of jealousy over this issue. Not because of my ex or his now fiance, because trust me they are two peas in a pod. But because I had been wanting nothing more than to have another baby, and then for some reason, they were given what I had always wanted. And he was so ungrateful about it too. I couldn’t believe that these two people were being given the gift I had prayed for time and time again. And man did that hurt. So, when the subject of having children was brought up with my current partner, I hoped that he’d be open to having kids.
Now, he and I are both in our thirties, parenting in one way or another, and sometimes it’s a lot to ask of someone to be willing to start all over again with a baby. Sometimes even I think I’m crazy for wanting to do the pregnancy and baby thing all over again. But y’all, it has always been a dream of mine to have a big family. So, when my partner first said, “Oh, I definitely want kids with you.” I’m pretty sure I crawled over the center console and just hugged him as tightly as I could. We’ve talked about the timing and about when I’d like to become pregnant in the future. At first, we said it would just be something unplanned. If it happens, it happens. I had just started using a natural birth control app right when he and I got together, which was mainly to track my cycles. The algorithm relies on the use of BBT thermometers and ovulation tests to help narrow your fertile window, predict ovulation, and track your cycles. Then I paired it with the FEMM app per the recommendation of my sister-in-law. But after four cycles I grew concerned with the feedback that these apps were giving me. I’d get “hormone imbalance” or “irregular cycle” notifications. Then there was the “no ovulation this month, speak with a doctor” alert for two of those months which left me with a really bad feeling. The question now wasn’t, “When will we have kids?” it was more along the lines of “Can I even conceive?”
So, I started to do some research which is where terms like secondary infertility began to show up. Then there’s the possibility of hormone issues that would need special diets. Some sites said I needed to give up caffeine. There were also various lists of vitamins and supplements that people recommended being taken out or added to my daily regimen. I read articles that talked about how much of a role obesity and exercise play into infertility issues too. Then there’s the very obvious concern: my age. I’m no spring chicken, y’all. And honestly, it’s been a bit scary for me. I feel like there’s a countdown clock inside of me that I can’t pause while all of this is being figured out. Seeing as how my partner does want children, I feel like this is something I should at least know if I can offer him in the future or not. That way there’s no room for resentment or disappointment from either of us. And I also don’t want to get our hopes up by talking about growing our family, just in case this isn’t a possibility for us. So, this will require blood work to be done and possibly a fertility test. I scheduled an appointment with my doctor and we’ll be going over my options next month. I’m hopeful, and I’m praying for some positive news. But I’m also preparing myself for disappointment if the news isn’t good.
And yet, with all of the uncertainty, I’m actually still really happy. Things are great regardless of whether it’s just the three of us or when there’s five. For the most part, about 80% of the time, the kids all get along. They all ask about each other and get excited when they know we’re all going to be together. Sometimes, my partner and I will be laying in bed listening to the giggles coming from the living room and it’s just the greatest sound ever. Then, the other night one of the kids said, “I love you, Raquel” right before coming over to hug me. And my heart was just filled with joy. So, would I love to be able to add to that? Yes. But if it’s not a possibility, if it's not in God's plan, then I’m still really grateful for what I do have. One beautiful, blended, and happy family.
